This might just be another lame article about that popular beverage that has somehow become totally overrated pretty much everywhere.
Thanks, hipsters, white girls, and coffee dads.
Seriously, if I see one more tweet about some lame coffee joke or an Instagram of somebody’s coffee cup or a Foursquare check-in at Starbucks, I will literally pour scolding hot coffee all over somebody’s iPhone.
To be clear, this doesn’t mean that I hate coffee.
No, no. God no.
Just recently, I made the switch from my regular two creams/two sweeteners to just plain old black coffee.
And if I can do it, you can do it too.
Why should you?
For health reasons, of course.
Let’s get started.
TOTALLY UNNECESSARY DISCLAIMER: I am not a professional coffee expert or beverage critic, nor am I even a Starbucks barista.
I’m just a weirdo with a coffee maker.
Step 1: Try to understand how fat you’re probably getting from all that cream and sugar.
I don’t think you fully know just how much that small amount of cream and sugar affects the awesomeness of your body.
Yeah, yeah, there’s fat and sugar in everything.
But if you really don’t care about what you’re eating, why are you even reading this?
Why do you even want to make the switch to black coffee?
Who the hell are you? Get out of here!
Back on topic.
In just one tablespoon of regular cream, you get about 50 calories and 6 grams of fat.
Double that for you people who love it extra creamy.
For sugar, there’s about 15 calories in one teeny tiny teaspoon.
If you’re having more than one cup of coffee every single day with all that junk in it, you’re actually getting a ridiculous amount of calories and fat from your morning cup o’ joe.
This doesn’t count as breakfast.
This counts as “I’m not a morning person and I’m also kind of fat.”
So maybe you should just stop it.
Step 2: Don’t think you can cheat forever by simply adding loads of light cream or no-calorie sweeteners.
Ah-ha! Light cream has less fat and less calories, right?
And stuff like Splenda or Stevia has zero calories!
Sure, it’s slightly healthier, but you’re still getting fat and calories from the cream, and you wanna know what’s so great about that no-calories sweetener?
Pretty much nothing.
Apparently, our bodies can’t tell the difference between actual sugar and sweeteners like Splenda or even aspartame, so our bodies still end up holding onto fat.
No calories, but your body doesn’t care.
Get rid of that shit.
It’s not doing you any favours.
Step 3: Realize how hardcore you are about becoming one of those NO-NONSENSE coffee drinkers.
If you already love the taste of coffee with all that extra junk in it, there’s no reason you can’t love it on its own.
Trust me on this.
You are one intense human being — no sugar-coated creamy junk required.
Other coffee addicts WISH they could be as hardcore as every other person who drinks it blacker than that one guy who everyone is afraid of.
Step 4: You need to just do it.
Here’s the truth.
You’re not going to love it at first.
Black coffee is strong, bitter, and zero percent creamy.
If you need to, ease into it by slowly limiting the amount of cream / milk / honey / sugar / Splenda / whatever you pour in there each and every day.
While others prefer to go black right away and never turn back, some need to take it slow.
That’s fine, just don’t accidentally let your hand slip when you’ve made a commitment to lessening the junk you pour in there every morning.
Chances are, if you do it right, you’ll really learn to acquire a great taste for the hottest, blackest, bitterest coffee you could ever imagine.
Step 5: Try not to brag too much about it.
Now that you’ve successfully made the transition to drinking black coffee like a champ, you probably feel like you’re king of the hipsters and definitely need to tell everyone about it ASAP.
But just because you drink the stuff straight without any filler doesn’t make you better than anyone else.
It just means you’re doing your body a massive favor, by not drowning your digestive system with fat and sugar on a daily basis.
Have some actual breakfast, for goodness sake.
Eat an apple, get some fiber in there, be EXACTLY like Jamie Lee Curtis in that weird yogurt commercial.
And with this final piece of wisdom, I now leave you with the anthem to Racist Coffee — the perfect song to remind you that in the end, all drinks are created equal.
(Not really, but this is the best I could do at ending such a pointless blog post about coffee.)
Photo #1 via Epsos.de
Photo #4 via porchselinn
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