I published this back in April of 2013 when I was bored and had just finished setting up Slothstorm quite randomly as a new personal blog. The direction I wanted to take was a very-stupid-BuzzFeed-millennial-clickbait direction. I think I mastered that awful style pretty well with this blog post, but I ultimately abandoned it. So, yeah. Just be aware of that. Enjoy! (Or just don’t.)
I’m 100 percent convinced that all women secretly hate the stuff they put on their lips to keep them moisturized, plump, shiny and unnaturally colourful.
I mean, it looks good on your lips for about five seconds, but after that, it’s pretty much all downhill from there.
Lip balm, lipstick, chapstick, gloss.
Friggin’ colour sensational lip junk with SPF 15 and micro-active vitamin E, B9 and Q3 that you don’t even need.
It’s a sticky, sloppy, scented mess most of the time.
But we put up with it, because beauty counts, apparently.
Here’s why we (or I) hate it.
1. Like, it gets pretty dang expensive.
For the good stuff, and I mean the stuff that doesn’t leave a nasty, filthy layer of crusty white film on your lips, you need to spend a few bucks.
Of course, as with anything we’re interested in buying, we tend to think that more expensive means better.
But in reality, it takes a while to realize that expensive brand A lip stuff doesn’t do much more than the affordable brand B lip stuff.
It’s a sad thing to realize that after we’ve paid the $30 for that premium lip gloss, we’ll still never look quite as good as the models that are used to advertise the stuff on TV, in magazines, on the packaging, in your nightmares, etc.
2. There’s way too much selection.
Walk in to any drugstore or Sephora and you’ll have to face the never ending aisle monstrosity of the cosmetic section, with rows upon rows upon rows of product for your lips, stacked higher than your head.
What’s worse — most places separate cosmetics according to brand, so if you want to see everything, you have to walk around each aisle like a lost and confused puppy.
Then, you have to search for something that hasn’t been opened yet and smeared all over someone’s lips or hands.
Sometimes you’ve even gotta wait for Ms. Crazy Indecisive Cosmetic Shopper to get out the way so you can finally stare hopelessly at all the various shades of pink and red for as long as it takes for your brain to explode.
And then once you’ve finally made your lip crap of choice, you literally don’t know why you made that decision and are just happy to get the heck out of there as fast as possible.
3. Lip stuff is meant to be lost, and you lose it almost immediately after buying it.
Here’s another good reason to save your money instead of buying the most expensive brand of lip gloss or lipstick out there.
You end up taking it everywhere with you, and it always seems to get lost, no matter how hard to try to keep it somewhere safe.
It’s like all the big cosmetic companies secretly equip each tube of lip product with a magnet so they get sucked up into the oblivion when you least expect it, never to be seen again.
4. It gets all up in your hair, and not in the sexy way.
There’s nothing worse than having clean, freshly styled hair before stepping outside and having a big gust of wind blow your hair right into your face so that it sticks to your lips and gets covered with sloppy goop.
When models have their hair blowing all around in the wind, the wind is always conveniently blowing in the opposite direction of their faces.
Now you have to go back inside, wash your hair again and make sure to style it with a cute up-do instead.
5. Guys don’t really love it.
So, you spend all this money and time beautifying yourself for your boyfriend or your girlfriend or that person that Match.com set you up with, and guess what?
He doesn’t even want to kiss you because your lips are literally covered in red slime.
When you really think about it, it’s pretty nasty.
I mean, if you’re on a date, it’s kind of disgusting to have a bunch of greasy lip colour that’s been slowly fermenting/collecting food particles on your lips as it mixes with your own saliva.
If the guy can see his reflection in the shininess of your lips, he probably won’t be up for much of a makeout sesh until you wipe that junk off.
6. You become addicted without realizing it.
Suddenly, your naked lips feel unnaturally strange without a thick layer of lip goop smeared all over your mouth, even if they’re not chapped.
You become one of those weirdos who really feel the need to reapply every five seconds, because you’ve turned into a fish and can’t ever not have wet lips.
Forgetting to bring along your favourite tube of lip gloss or lipstick after you’ve already left home feels almost just as bad as forgetting your phone or losing your car keys.
You’re utterly lost without it.
How the hell did this even happen?
7. Your friend with a cold sore REALLY needs to borrow some.
There’s always that friend who’s more than happy to swap germs and body fluids with you.
Unfortunately, that friend always automatically assumes that you’re okay with it too.
And because you don’t want to seem like a selfish idiot, you gladly hand it over to your friend so she can rub it all over her bacteria-infested lips.
After she hands it over to you, you mentally debate whether you should toss the tube in the trash later, or try to save it by slicing the tip off or something.
8. You know using the stuff sucks, but you remain a slave to the cosmetic industry anyway.
As insignificant as it seems IRL, most women (and some men) continue to buy and use lip product to stay beautiful and often overly moisturized, no matter how much money or contagious cold sores it costs them.
It’s what we do.
And don’t even get me started on all those other makeup trends that are just as bad, like applying enough mascara to make your lashes look like a pile of dead spiders, or plucking your eyebrows so thin you need to pencil in two straight lines across your forehead in order to look human again.
Let’s save them for the next time I feel the need to rant about things that pretty much don’t really matter.
Until then, have fun smacking your Wet N’ Wild lips together as you stare lovingly back at your reflection in the mirror.
*Sheepishly applies Burt’s Bees lip balm all over lips before hitting PUBLISH*
Photo #1 via Dara McG
Photo #2 via jordanfischer
Photo #3 via Clean Wal-Mart
Photo #4 via vialju photo
Photo #5 via Mikamatto
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